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Wife and kid just walked in on me. Ugh.

  • God damnit. And it wasn't even a good horny jerk, or a home alone jerk, or a regularly scheduled maintenance jerk. It was rubbish. Should never have happened. Luckily I was under several covers, so there was no trauma. But still.

    Backstory: I came home from a meeting yesterday on my death bed, so I've been quarantined to a guest room bed ever since with a fever/cough/etc. Bored, I start screwing around on my iPad (I'm still trying to figure out what to really use it for.) So of course I decide to see how well it works with porn sites. So I dial up pornhub - no good. Then youporn - plenty good. And, like an idiot, I let the "test video" run a little too long, so my mind starts to wander because that's what I'm trained to do. But it doesn't stop there.

    Next thing you know I'm plugging my "go to" keywords into the search box. Dorm. Sorority, Bar bathroom. Gangbang rape. And all the other great scenarios that make me remember my days back in college. And I find this great amateur couple in bed. It was the kind of video you know is real, and was leaked to the internet. Right? I mean, no way were they actors, right? That was good old fashioned ex-boyfriend revenge, right? Of course it was.

    So yeah, I guess you could say nature just took over, because I don't even remember giving the order to engage. All I know is that my wife and 22-month old crack the door to say hi and "check on dadda", and there I am in bed, under the covers, iPad on my chest, deep throating my fist. Oye vay.

    I scrambled nicely, pressed the button that got the iPad back to its home page, and sat up quickly. Then I say, "whoa, you scared me!" (Original.) Then start in with baby talk to the kid. I'm pretty sure my wife knows what I was doing, because she gave me one of her patanted "you're an idiot" looks. But the truth is, I probably am. Also, I think this is the fever typing. I'll probably regret sharing this story later, but f*ck it, we've all been there - (POST)

    This post was edited by Allenbaba on 2/25/2011 at 11:00 AM

    Allenbaba

  • PredaTerp

  • Your child has now been traumatized for life.

    The Fox

  • ...dude....

    confused

    terpinnyc ●

  • Allenbaba said...

    a regularly scheduled maintenance jerk

    For the unmarried folk, how does this work once you put a ring on it? Is it like American Beauty where you just start whacking it while your wife is asleep next to you? You go at it in the shower? You tell her "hey i'm gonna go beat off in the basement, don't come down" and she just rolls her eyes? You don't tell, you just go somewhere where you think you may be alone for a long enough period and risk it? Or some other scenario which my naive and uncreative mind can't think up? I'm baffled.

    This post was edited by JDawgBBall9 on 2/25/2011 at 11:24 AM

    "WE WANT MORE WE WANT MORE girl is providing the rallying cry for the 2013 O's." ~dh2k3

    JDawgBBall9 ●

  • Did you finish after they left?

    JJTerpNY

  • well he certainly will now that he has access to your aviator...

    terpinnyc ●

  • JDawgBBall9 said...

    For the unmarried folk, how does this work once you put a ring on it?

    You find the time and the place. It's not hard. And no, i've never attempted it while she was lying next to me. However, on rare occasions, we'll be in bed about to fall asleep and I'll say, "I'm horny, will it bother you if I take care of myself right here?" To which she will usually sigh, roll over and take care of me. I don't go to the well too often with that one.

    And of course I went and finished. What am I, a communist? Bathroom, iPhone, "dump."

    Allenbaba

  • Allenbaba said...

    You find the time and the place. It's not hard. And no, i've never attempted it while she was lying next to me. However, on rare occasions, we'll be in bed about to fall asleep and I'll say, "I'm horny, will it bother you if I take care of myself right here?" To which she will usually sigh, roll over and take care of me. I don't go to the well too often with that one.

    Solid married strategy, IMO. Also very key not to overuse this tactic.

    PaulUMD ●

  • JDawgBBall9 said...

    For the unmarried folk, how does this work once you put a ring on it? Is it like American Beauty where you just start whacking it while your wife is asleep next to you? You go at it in the shower? You tell her "hey i'm gonna go beat off in the basement, don't come down" and she just rolls her eyes? You don't tell, you just go somewhere where you think you may be alone for a long enough period and risk it? Or some other scenario which my naive and uncreative mind can't think up? I'm baffled.

    My wife goes to bed before me most nights, giving me time to take care of business while doing some "work" in our home office. I'm sure she knows what's going on, but it's kind of a don't ask don't tell thing. I use the shower occasionally, but it's a terrible place for that: you're standing up, it doesn't wash off right and gets all clumpy.

    NullPointer

  • NullPointer said...

    I use the shower occasionally, but it's a terrible place for that: you're standing up, it doesn't wash off right and gets all clumpy.

    Totally agree. Shower's iffy. I've had this scenario happen too many times: wake up after slaying girl after girl in my dreams, take care of it in the shower, get dressed and go to work, use office bathroom upon arrival, spray piss all over the walls and floor and my sneakers because I forgot that the last time I used my penis was for an ejaculation, and for some reason, that's what happens to pee if you wait more than 15 minutes. Totally ruins the entire cycle.

    Allenbaba

  • Thanks, I needed that today. roflmao

    amyeg

  • Allenbaba said...

    Totally agree. Shower's iffy. I've had this scenario happen too many times: wake up after slaying girl after girl in my dreams, take care of it in the shower, get dressed and go to work, use office bathroom upon arrival, spray piss all over the walls and floor and my sneakers because I forgot that the last time I used my penis was for an ejaculation, and for some reason, that's what happens to pee if you wait more than 15 minutes. Totally ruins the entire cycle.

    It also sucks when later in the day you notice a clump stuck in your leg hair.

    TerpBE ●

  • I've been wondering when the truth would come out. The iPad is for pr0n.

    I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.

    tjay02

  • My mom catches me every friggin' time I go home. Not in the act, but finds evidence on the computer. I clear the history and this bitch can't even figure out email, but somehow she stumbles across something every god damn time I visit. My dumbass brother always leaves sites in the recent history, yet he's golden. What have I done to deserve this?

    TheGreenBastard

  • I used to never be a shower guy but now that's the only place I use.  I was poppin' it the other day and had JUST gotten there when the wife, who is usually milling about downstairs or doing something else, walks in and says, "What are you doing?  You're sure taking a long shower."  I abruptly stopped, but since I was past the point of no return it all kind of just trickled out.  Just a complete waste...had to re-wash my feet.  I just said I was taking a longer shower since I didn't have to shave.  Awful excuse.

    This whole thing has bothered me all week. 

    CletusVanDamme ●

  • TheGreenBastard said...

    My mom catches me every friggin' time I go home. Not in the act, but finds evidence on the computer. I clear the history and this bitch can't even figure out email, but somehow she stumbles across something every god damn time I visit. My dumbass brother always leaves sites in the recent history, yet he's golden. What have I done to deserve this?

    Internet Explorer/Firefox/Chrome privacy modes are your best friend. Just close the browser and that's it. Watch out for pop-ups.

    EricTerp

  • EricTerp said...

    Internet Explorer/Firefox/Chrome privacy modes are your best friend. Just close the browser and that's it. Watch out for pop-ups.

    Yea I mean if i thought about it for 5 minutes I'm sure I could completely cover my tracks, but I go home like twice a year. I just cant believe my luck is all.

    TheGreenBastard

  • TerpBE said...

    It also sucks when later in the day you notice a clump stuck in your leg hair.

    Or worse, in between your fingers just above the knuckle.

    So what is it about shower water that transforms sperm into that clear, sticky, rubbery goo that credit card companies use to adhere the credit card to a piece of paper when they mail it to you? The addition of water, followed by the force of the shower mixing it all up?

    And yeah Cletus, nothing worse than being distracted right at pay dirt. It's like two tiny little "because it has to" twitches and then you roll your eyes. You get more pissed off at the principle of the whole thing rather than the missed opportunity.

    This post was edited by Allenbaba on 2/25/2011 at 2:19 PM

    Allenbaba

  • TheGreenBastard said...

    My mom catches me every friggin' time I go home. Not in the act, but finds evidence on the computer. I clear the history and this bitch can't even figure out email, but somehow she stumbles across something every god damn time I visit. My dumbass brother always leaves sites in the recent history, yet he's golden. What have I done to deserve this?

    Wait, so you're in high school?

    MARYLAND26145

  • M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D said...

    Wait, so you're in high school?

    since when do you have to be in high school to go home?

    -The Based Lord, F*** wit me.

    JelIytoast

  • JelIytoast said...

    since when do you have to be in high school to go home?

    lol, i'm a lil' buzzed, didn't notice that.

    MARYLAND26145

  • Over the years I've been caught by my sister once and one of my ex's mom once

    This post was edited by naegeleterp on 2/25/2011 at 2:51 PM

    naegeleterp ●

  • Louis CK : Masturbation

    Louis CK : Masturbation

    www.youtube.com

    kickin' the tires

    groove_jones ●

  • M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D said...

    Wait, so you're in high school?

    I wish...

    TheGreenBastard

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