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I'm about to go punish Mrs. Colfax. I'm going to make her read this email outloud while I do it.
Found an old related story.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Billy rolled his chair across the aisle and tapped Mike on the shoulder. Mike spun his chair around and glanced around the room. The computer lab was 3/4 full and it was only midnight. The end of the semester always brought the slackers out to do some last minute paper writing. Then of course were the three jackoffs in the corner playing in some chat room.
Mike affixed his attention to Billy’s screen. “I’d chain you to a bedpost and take a hot soldering iron and seal your pee pee hole shut. Then I’d pour gallon after gallon of beer down your throat and see how long it took for you to process liquid waste through another hole in your body.” Mike returned his attention to the monitor in front him and the paper he was working on.
“Shhhhhhhhh” came the moans of some tight-assed co-ed wearing flannel and three too many scrunchies.
“Piss off ya worthless cunt,” Billy yelled and rolled back across the aisle. He fiddled for a few seconds and noticed that the girl at the computer next to him was leering at him down her nose. Billy growled and she quickly went back to work. He rolled his chair across the aisle again and tapped Mike.
“I’d superglue your ear to the bumper of my car and then drive 22mph for exactly 13 miles finishing up the drive by going the wrong way over one of those ‘severe tire damage’ spike strips – impaling your limp and bloody body on an array of spikes,” Mike said. He smiled and thought about writing that one down, but instead focused back at the task at hand.
Billy never tired of this game. He had known Mike since freshman year and they had been best friends and roommates since. He could wake Mike up out of a dead sleep and elicit some fucked up response to nearly anything, but this was his favorite game.
The next time he tapped Mike wasn’t so nice though. “Fuck Billy, I’m trying to get this paper done!”
“Shhhhhhh,” came the cry from the geeks in the corner.
Billy stood up and threw his Biology book at them. It glanced off one of their monitors and landed squarely in a trash can. Luckily, it was still in its protective shrink wrap and Billy would retrieve it later, good as new. “One more Mikey, come on!”
Mike took a look at Billy’s monitor and exclaimed “Oh man I’d wrap your mother’s meaty drumstick thighs around my head and wouldn’t stop eating until I came out her ass.”
Half of the computer lab stood up to see what in God’s name Mike was talking about. Flickering on Billy’s screen was a naked picture of Katie Holmes.
“Yeah, even I’d fuck my mom for a piece of her alright.”
I would poison the food of her entire sorority so that everyone puked after a big meal. I'd then rush in with a big fork to make sure I got all the biggest pieces and eat them just for the chance to taste something that had been inside of her.
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