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Olympics- Japanese Culture Is The Shit Results

  • Using your writing skills and creativity, write a haiku about poop. Entries will be ranked 1-10 based creativity and adherence to traditional haiku structure. Scores will be averaged and Gold, Silver and Bronze medals will be awarded accordingly.

    This post has been edited 2 times, most recently by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:08 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 10th place, with an average ranking of 8.6, Winterfell.

    Hgoodman Rdurr
    And Coltsfan One Eight Three Two
    Russia Pure Feces

    10 10 9 9 5
    Judge 1- Garbage. Fighting for last place.
    Judge 5- points or self mockery (i think) and not taking poop too literally.

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:12 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 9th place, with an average ranking of 7, Bahrain.

    My buddy's girlfriend
    Just slapped the shit out of me
    Now I must change pants

    9 5 8 3 10
    Judge 1- I liked it, but this is an average athlete trying to play on a field of pros.
    Judge 5- uninspired, and that thread sucks

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:12 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 8th place, with an average of ranking of 6.8, Kazakhstan.

    From large intestine
    Anus, rectum, to sphincter
    Poop leaves the body

    6 8 5 8 7
    Judge 1- Ok, I see where you're going with this. It's a traditional Haiku - pick a theme and stick to the "pure nature." Points for maintaining the ancient stylistic ritual. You should look to how Chad did theirs for a better example.
    Judge 5- most controversial to me, could see a ranking anywhere from medals to last place.

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:12 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 7th place, with an average ranking of 6.6, The Netherlands.

    Ate Russia's sandwich
    Caused a massive bowel movement
    Looked and smelled better

    5 9 7 6 6
    Judge 1- This was the first one I read, and I'll say that it set the bar pretty high. I really liked the Suque Olympics tie-in, and "massive bowel movement" was cute. Some debate about syllable use, but reasonable enough.
    Judge 3- more truth, but predictable
    Judge 5- a bit lacking in je ne sais quoi, but scores higher for mocking russia's turd sandwich

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:13 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 6th place, with an average ranking of 6.2, Syria.

    early morning poop
    did it happen post-shower?
    fuck, restart the day

    4 3 6 10 8
    Judge 1- At least the second (if not the most) funny Haiku. The imagery is universal - who hasn't finished getting ready for work in the morning only to be confronted by a bowel shaking, coffee-induced rumble?
    Judge 2- true, so very very true
    Judge 3- If I had been hungover when I read this it might have won
    Judge 5- blah

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:13 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 5th place, with an average ranking of 5.8, Brazil.

    Black spells on crapper
    Smells of canned sausage and beer
    Color: Annette Brown

    8 6 10 1 4
    Judge 1- This is a hard Haiku to judge. It has a strong first line with a good follow-through to the second. I love the Annette reference. The canned sausage and beer line is really solid. I spent some time figuring out what was making this less hilarious than some of the others - I have to say that I think it's a little emo. "Black spells on crapper" sounds like something that a girl with dyed black hair, black lipstick and a torn up backpack would write while she cuts herself. I do not like that girl, she does not belong where I poop.
    Judge 3- dumb
    Judge 5- gets the essense of what a haiku should be, points for annette theme

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:13 PM

    KU_QT

  • In 4th place, with an average ranking of 4.6, South Sudan.

    Dropped kids off at pool
    No Towels! Ask stall neighbor.
    "Not a square to spare."

    7 7 1 5 3
    Judge 1- I feel like I've read a longer version of this in one of those joke books that old people buy from Barnes & Nobel to put in their bathroom. Props for shortening it into a haiku, and for the use of "dropped kids off at the pool," but this isn't going to medal with all the solid contenders out there.
    Judge 3- perfection
    Judge 5- gets what a haiku should be, seinfeld reference vaults it up the polls

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:13 PM

    KU_QT

  • SILVER MEDALS

    Tied for2nd place, with an average ranking of 3.8, are Chad and Russia.

    Chad-
    Black menace looming
    Unwanted, uncontrolled plague
    Buddha sighs, sits, sweats

    2 4 4 7 2
    Judge 1- This is a contender - not because it's full on hilarious, but because of the adherence to the simple haiku imagery. I can actually see the sweat dripping down Buddha's face and the wrinkles forming as he breathes in deeply before giving that last push. Solid work.
    Judge 2- nice metaphor, tough choice for third, both were worthy
    Judge 3- I can't decide this if this is funnier imagining buddha the poster, or the Prince himself
    Judge 5- beautiful. use of alliteration captures a feeling and lets you into a scene much larger than itself. missed the #1 ranking by a hair.

    Russia-
    A hairy asshole
    Makes pooping really brutal
    Someone get a comb

    3 2 3 2 9
    Judge 1- I laughed the hardest after reading this one. Great buildup and cheeky narrative before the in-your-face finish. It doesn't rely on traditional haiku imagery as much as some of the others, but the point was certainly made. I just didn't visualize a crusted up sheriff's badge when I hit the last line, but instead focused on the comb.
    Judge 2- horrifying imagery, well done
    Judge 3- a poem about truth
    Judge 5- misses the essence of the Haiku

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:14 PM

    KU_QT

  • GOLD MEDAL

    In 1st place, with an average ranking of 1.8, Niger.

    Oh, how he dances!
    Pirouetting down the bowl.
    Brown Baryshnikov.

    1 1 2 4 1
    Judge 1- When I agreed to judge this contest, I had high hopes. A Niger has not disappointed me. This should receive a Nobel Peace Prize. It's got it all - humor, imagery, simplicity. The reader is drawn in by a strong opening line - curious as to how pooping can be compared to dancing, but then the Haiku blooms into life - descriptive enough to give our reader's imagination all it needs to see tiny little chuds swimming synchronously down to their final destination. Bravo and well done.
    Judge 2- stellar, takes first place running away
    Judge 3- true poetry
    Judge 5- move over ezra pound, theres a new wordsmith in town

    This post was edited by KU_QT on 7/2/2012 at 1:14 PM

    KU_QT

  • Who is Judge 3 and why do you hate Annette?

    Titanterp ●

  • KU_QT said...

    Judge 3 = dumb

    Hard to disagree.

    fearthenoodle ●

  • fearthenoodle said...

    Hard to disagree.

    I was not Judge 3, but GOD DAMN did I love this competition.

    This would have turned the Wake Forest Olympics from iffy to pure gold. This is hands down making the olympics for me right now. Better than curling.

    OH SHIT! WHAT NOW RAISE! YOU FUCKED UP!

    KnightAtWake

  • KnightAtWake said...

    I was not Judge 3, but GOD DAMN did I love this competition.

    This would have turned the Wake Forest Olympics from iffy to pure gold. This is hands down making the olympics for me right now. Better than curling.

    I'm sure you were judge 1 based on the overlong comments about shit for every entry.

    fearthenoodle ●

  • Woooooo

    http://www.ghitp.wordpress.com/

    JManslow

  • Brown Baryshnikov!!!

    Baldwin

  • Judge 1 is retarded. Oh, were we supposed to be nice to volunteers?

    Im ready for aa 5th of vodica to end my feels.

    JJBittenbinder ●

  • KU_QT said...

    GOLD MEDAL

    In 1st place, with an average ranking of 1.8, Niger.

    Oh, how he dances!
    Pirouetting down the bowl.
    Brown Baryshnikov.

    Which one of your Nigers wrote this? I mean, DAMN IT HAS STAYING POWER.

    It passes the laugh test hands down. Even on the 20th or 30th read it still inspires chuckles.

    OH SHIT! WHAT NOW RAISE! YOU FUCKED UP!

    KnightAtWake

  • hard to really discern between 1-10, they're all shit

    7erps

  • Good work by Bogie. He had a couple of other contenders too, but the Buddha one was pretty damn good.

    HoopheadVII: "Guess you won't say, "Sorry I'm a little off today" anytime again soon; Eaglesception is a bitch"

    EaglesLegendz

  • Wow judge five.

    http://www.ghitp.wordpress.com/

    JManslow

  • I mean, Brown Baryshnikov is strong, but how could you possibly rate ours last?

    Titanterp ●

  • KnightAtWake said...

    Which one of your Nigers wrote this? I mean, DAMN IT HAS STAYING POWER.

    It passes the laugh test hands down. Even on the 20th or 30th read it still inspires chuckles.

    Maryland Mike wrote the gist of it, Gumbercules touched it up and then Mike came up with Baryshnikov.

    This post was edited by Baldwin on 7/2/2012 at 1:21 PM

    Baldwin

  • Updated Standings: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsiaAQsoWzPsdEN1UHpsSjNaNFlLaTItMzZOZmRqV2c

    KU_QT

  • THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

    The cool thing is it came together via most of the team. Someone came up with "brown ballerina," I said the final submitted version had to have a great hook like that phrase, then someone else said "brown Baryshnikov" might be even better, someone else said they loved that, and then finally a final teammate put together the submitted haiku. It was textbook.

    PaulUMD

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