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Justerp said...

I'll be honest. I have very little standards. When I'm drunk, it doesn't matter if they have 3 legs or 2 noses, if they start hitting on me I'm almost done for. As R&W will tell you, in my limited experience, I've hooked up with skinny girls, big girls, tall girls, and even girls with lisps. My friends tell me that if I raised my standards, I would do way better, even if it was less often. Sober Justerp listens to them and agrees. Drunk Justerp says "fuck you guys, I'm getting it in." So you can see that I have a problem. But last night, that problem went out the window. I won. I had sex with a model.

Flash back to saturday night. Me and a bunch of my buddies are at a frat party. I'm drunk. I spend most of the night dancing with a girl and drinking beer. At some point, the girl I was with leaves, and I find myself alone. No worries, I have her number, hopefully that story will come soon. I walk over to the keg, and there I see one of my good buddies from school and home, The Gymnast, with a girl who models that I knew from class and last year. So we get to chatting and he leaves for a bit to go to the bathroom. It is at this point she invites back to her place. Score. But as I am stumbling my way there, I see that the Gymnast is with us. I'm confused. We arrive at her place at 330.

I should say that this girl is 2nd generation Irish by heritage, which may or may not allow for her peculiarities. She makes us hot tea and I get even more confused, as who the fuck drinks tea. So me and the gymnast are sitting there, wondering if this is about to turn into CCterp round 2. We agree through text we don't want any of that nonsense. He texts me saying "rock paper scissors, right now." I respond with rock. He texts paper. I finish with SCISSORS I WIN BITCH. Probably a little excessive He makes his exit and I go crash on her bed while she wipes her makeup off in the bathroom. I realize its 430 am and how tired I am. I pass out for 5 minutes and wake up to her laying on top of me. We hook up for awhile until I find out she's on her period. Lame. I wake up at 930 the next morning and go to meet my parents as we are going to go see my 9 day old cousin for the first time. Welcome to the world kiddo, your cousin is a scumbag!

While there, the model texts me, asking if I want to go to her sorority's grab a date with her on wednesday. Obviously I say yes.

Flash forward to wednesday night. The event is at the loft above cornerstone, and the theme is famous duos. She clearly isn't the most creative model as she decided we'd go as hot and cold, where she'd wear red and I'd wear blue. Whatever. I bring half a gatorade bottle or so of vodka mixed with the rest of the gatorade to her place to drink beforehand, arriving around 830. She tells me she'd be impressed if I drank it all at once. I do. The event starts at 9, I'm drunk by 850. We leave her place on knox road to walk down to cornerstone. On the way there, we run into some of her sororitutes and their dates. One of the duos is dressed as Shaggy and Daphne. I tell the daphne girl that she is nowhere near hot enough to be daphne. I then tell another ugly girl that she should've gone as scooby-doo. I now realize I'm drunk.

We get the bar and there is a line going up to the loft. The bouncers are giving wristbands to everyone who has a 21+ id. I don't have one anymore. We get up to the bar and start talking and mingling as it fills up. I look down at my arms and realize that, wait a fuck, I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt. Realizing this advantage I get my money out and go to order a rum and coke, my usual go to drink. The bartender gives it to me without a second glance, as I still hold my money. I turn to my date:

"Wow he didn't even take my money, guess it's my lucky night." "Actually, we have a tab here tonight." "So you're saying I can drink as much as I want, for free?" "Right."

I quickly finish my drink and turn to the bartender. "I'll have a red bull and vodka."

The event ends at 11, and I'm plastered. We stumble back to her place where we have great drunk sex, up until the point where she fucking ripped the condom as she gave me a hj while we were switching positions. I had no intentions on spending the night there, but I do anyway. We wake up this morning, and she says she's taking a shower. She asks if I'd like to join her and I say yes. I'm pretty hype, as I've never had sex in the shower before.

I walk into the bathroom and SHE HAS A SHOWER CAP ON. I pause. This girl now looks like my grandmother. Did it stop me? Fuck no. That's right, I had got head in the shower from a girl wearing a shower cap. When she gets out, she decides she wants to give me a massage. I'm down, until she starts massaging me with cocoa butter. She's not black, so I don't know why she had it. I resist the urge to punch her. We then start hooking up again:

"Do you have a condom?" "No....we used both of them last night because your fucking eagle talons tore the other one." "Oh." I resist the urge to punch her again.

That being done, I help her with her homework, which she does naked. I'm intrigued. I then walk with her to class, where we part ways and I come back to my dorm to tell this to you guys. I'm now laying in my bed and I smell like a black girl would if they realized their entire body was ashy at once. On the brightside, I've managed to put myself in a position where I can fuck a model whenever I want. Go me.

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PostCompactor said...

Assorted lies and douchiness

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Justerp said...

I should say that this girl is 2nd generation Irish by heritage, which may or may not allow for her peculiarities. She makes us hot tea and I get even more confused, as who the fuck drinks tea.

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I bring half a gatorade bottle or so of vodka mixed with the rest of the gatorade to her place to drink beforehand, arriving around 830.

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RedandWhite said...

Wait wait wait wait wait. Congrats and all, but lets not go all out and call this girl a full fledged model. She's an ASPIRING model.