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short story

  • Once upon a time there was a vermillion avocado named Ray Ray Pilkington. He encouraged his acquaintances to call him Jasper. “Jasper is a much better name than Ray Ray Pilkington,” Jasper/ Ray Ray Pilkington said. Jasper wanted to become a knight. Unfortunately for Jasper, he was an avocado, and no avocado had ever been knighted before. In fact, no fruit, vegetable, or member of any other food group had ever been knighted.

    This did not dismay Jasper or diminish his ardor. “Somebody always has to be the first to do anything,” Jasper said. Jasper went to the library and read about Sir Francis Drake, a famous explorer and privateer who had been knighted because of his accomplishments. Jasper thought that becoming an explorer would be a tremendous way to earn the glory he needed to become a knight.

    One day Jasper was conversing with an eel named Herbert. Herbert told Jasper about how he was catadromous and was born in the Sargasso Sea. Jasper had never heard about the Sargasso Sea before and his curiosity was piqued. So Jasper went on twitter and asked all of his avocado peers if an avocado had ever been to the Sargasso Sea. The avocado community was dumbfounded by Jasper’s question. Here is a representative example:

    Bro avocados cant float. WTF we go in da sea?

    After perusing the twitter response to his inquiry, Jasper became convinced that no avocado had ever been to the Sargasso Sea. Thus, Jasper believed if he could successfully explore the Sargasso Sea he would be rewarded with knighthood. Jasper began composing long lists of plans for his expedition on his typewriter, which was very old and missing several letters including a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,I,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,r,s,t,u,v,w,x, and y. The only letters that the typewriter could still type were Zs and Qs. Because there were only two letters Jasper had to write his plans in Morse code, using Qs as dashes and Zs as dots. After writing 374 pages of plans, Jasper realized that he couldn’t read Morse code so he put all of the plans in a plastic bag and flushed them down the toilet.

    The plans took a long, perilous, and squiggly journey through many pipes until they reached the sewer. They festered in the sewer until they were discovered by a turtle. The turtle was very ancient and had learned to read Morse code back in the era of telegraphs, so he was able to read the plans. While the turtle thought the plans were outlandish and preposterous, he felt empathy for Jasper. So the turtle formulated his own plan. The turtle arranged for Jasper to get a zeppelin that he could fly to the Sargasso Sea. (He would have arranged for a blimp, but the turtle had not learned that zeppelins were no longer in style). After a long and tedious process Jasper eventually began his voyage.

    Jasper’s voyage was cruelly interrupted by some flying fish. They flew into the zeppelin, which made them incensed. So they shot the zeppelin down with 37 missiles. Luckily for Jasper, he had a parachute and a lifeboat and was able to escape the flaming remains unscathed. Since Jasper was an avocado he was able to drift aimlessly in the currents for months. Avocados do not have a digestive system, so Jasper did not need to eat anything.

    Eventually Jasper encountered land. The land was the island of Aruba. After Jasper landed on Aruba and discussed his quest with the local inhabitants, they informed him that a local resident, Sir Sidney Ponson, was a knight. Jasper went to see Sidney Ponson and learn about how Sidney Ponson became a knight.

    Jasper and Sidney Ponson had a very entertaining discussion that lasted for many hours. Then they went out to some bars and both got very drunk. Jasper was not a frequent drinker and so he could not tolerate nearly as much alcohol as Sidney Ponson. He blacked out on a table. A little while later another patron of the bar became belligerent and rowdy and started to graphically and crudely insult Sidney Ponson. In a fit of rage, the inebriated Sidney Ponson picked up the unconscious Jasper and threw him very hard at the douchebag’s head.
    Sir Sidney Posnon did not have outstanding accuracy when he was sober and throwing a spherical baseball. Now he was drunk and throwing a misshapen avocado. Jasper whistled through the air and smacked into a wall at a velocity that avocados are not accustomed to. There was a monumental sickening splat noise and then Jasper’s fragmented soggy remains oozed to the floor. The mess was cleaned up later by a graduate of NC State.

  • The one thing I don't understand is how Jasper managed to write lucid plans in Morse code if he was unable to read Morse code.

  • and that the turtle was able to understand the plans and went ahead to make arrangements on his behalf.

    But by far the most believable part of the story is Sidney Ponson engaging in a long conversation with an avocado.

  • eamhokie94

    That wasn't short.

    classlessthug: I have too much on my plate to worry about the fact that my junk intimidates some needle D undergrad.

  • Ray ray should have never been drinking alcohol in the first place without a digestive system. He was a dead avocado anyway.

  • Canyonerooooo

    Was it good? My ADD snapped in pretty quick.

  • 7erps

    tl;dr - was this the work of big10terps?

  • MisterSmiley

    I need someone to tell me whether that's worth reading.

  • neal990

    Surprised the avocados of Aruba didn't warn him away from Ponson. Seems like what happened to Jasper would happen frequently if there were avocados around. Or maybe they just didn't like Jasper because he was a foreigner.

    This post was edited by neal990 18 months ago

  • multiple awards

    The other patron is belligerent and rowdy, and shortly thereafter transitions to full douchebaggery. But I don't know if insulting Sidney Ponson is sufficient for that type of leap.