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Recently, I've come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me. Besides my face, of course. It seems that my ability to care about anything happening to me is non-existent. It's not that I have no dignity, because I do. But my remorse for my actions of hooking up with ugly girls, being belligerently stupid while drunk and all together just being a total ass isn't there. In short, if sober me met drunk me, I'd definitely beat the shit out of drunk me. This weekend, a sequence of events occurred that not only validated everything I previously thought about myself, but also made me question my sanity all together. Read on.
This weekend, two of the towson girls from my hometown had come down to visit. They included the Vampire, from my first story, and her friend who I will call YogaPants. Now YogaPants is clearly the hotter one of the two, but my boy the Gymnast was "talking" to her. Besides, I'm ugly. Sober me decided that I wasn't going to try to hook up with the Vampire again, if only because I wanted to turn over a new leaf towards classier women.
Then I get a text that reads: "Do you think I can maybe stay with you cause YogaPants wants me to stay with her and the Gymnast but like, no."
So much for that plan.
They show up, we get food, etc and start pregaming for the night ahead of us at R&W's place. I drink way more than I should (Side note: Hot Cinnamon Burnett's is amazing) and me the Vampire head back to my place before we leave so she can get changed. She changes directly in front of me. I realize that I'm drunk and my plan for not hooking up with her is fucked. This occurs at 945.
We go to the party in leonardtown and find out that they actually have RA's who busted the party. So it gets moved to a house on Harvard a half mile away. By the time we get there, I've drank more of my half coke half burnetts mixed drink and said something to piss the Vampire off. I don't care. We get into the party and start drinking.
BLACKOUT. Circa 11:00.
What happens next is recreated entirely from talking to other people who were at the party. Apparently, even though there were plenty of hot girls there, I decided to loudly proclaim "I need a harpoon for all these whales" . At some point, I realized that the Vampire had left with R&W. Being the asshat I am, the following text occurs:
Me: I'm going well to be pissed if you went to the back with Vampire
In return: what...lol. this is the vampire.
In case you couldn't tell, I meant to text my brother.Instead, I texted her. For some reason, I continue the conversation. This is verbatim.
Me: I know. Lol. Luckily other girls are on my d...haha.
Her: Wtf lol
Me: You guys left. its a rager now. ill text you when im leaving.
Her:That's good...hahaha I was just really hungry. And okay come here when ur leaving so you can take me home.
Me: Go hook up with my brother and wait for me drive home
As we can see, I'm clearly not thinking straight. In all honesty I have no idea how I got home. When I come to from my blackout, me and the Vampire are standing in my room. I guess blackout me managed to pull some moves. Also, R&W failed miserably when he had her in his room. At this point I went to my go-to line:
"So...., do you want to snuggle?"
"Sure, but that's it. And can we turn the TV on, I'm scared of the dark"
My TV was on the golf channel so I at least had the courtesy to go up a few channels so something interesting was on. Cartoon Network was the clear choice. I should say that I don't remember how we started hooking up, but it obviously was a foregone conclusion at that point. So I'm getting dome from this girl and my door opens, and two of my friends walk in.
"Where's the Vampire"
"I'm right here!" And her head pops up.
At this point, I'm flinging my arms at my friends to get them out of the room. They don't get the hint. I eventually have to tell them to get out. In what would end up being the clutchest moment in the history of clutch moments, she asks me to return the favor, and I say no.
MEANWHILE IN THE GYMNAST'S ROOM:
Gymnast: Are Justerp and the Vampire hooking up?
YogaPants: No she's on her period.
So we hook up, and as we are done she takes the condom off and throws it. I still haven't found it. I'm hoping she threw it away the next morning. I wake up in the morning to go play in the IMS basketball game. I ask where my boxers are. She grabs them from the bottom of the bed. They are covered in a red-brown substance. She's on the phone with YogaPants, and I scream:
"Did you wipe your makeup off on my boxers?!!" She hits me. I then turn around to look at my sheets. There's a red spot right in the middle of them where we were sleeping. I gag. I look at my hands. They are red. I gag again.
"What the fuck! Why didn't you tell me?"
"You must've popped my cherry."
"Oh fuck off, we both know you are way past that."
She hits me again. For some reason, I nearly hook up with her again. In a moment of clarity I become aware as to how bad that would be. At this point, I get up. I realize it would be a waste to get another pair of boxers dirty for basketball, so I wear the same ones to the IMS tourney. I come back, and my bed is made. Except she didn't even bother to take the sheet off. She already had left to go home too.
Everything from that night was put in the washer. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I slept there for an entire night, or the fact that for a few minutes I didn't even care that she was on her period. I'm a piece of shit.
This post was edited by BlackAnGold 2 years ago
words I thought I'd never see together
"Maryland football: Where everybody gets hurt and the starting left tackle has an existential crisis."
I did too. But for some reason that flavor is absolutely incredible. You can actually sip it straight.
Sounds like you had a bloody good time.
nice...ur bros game must be weak sauce
This is an all-around good story. Period.
Although there is no reason to make up this story, you did.
No girl would ask you to go down on her if she is on her period. That 100% did not happen. A pretty pedestrian story to make up.
Also, you have a lot to learn if you think you're not supposed to bang a chick because she's on her period.
period sex is the best
She did. Why would i bother to say that if it wasn't true?
I was asking myself the same question.
Dude, I would bet my children's eyes that a girl on her period didn't ask you to go down on her. Just take it out of the story so there is some credibility.
Then your kids would be blind. In case you didn't gather from my other stories, awkward things like this happen to me a lot. I swear im not lying
It was a good story. It just had a glaring hole that made it implausible.
Just take out the part that could not have happened.
It did, but ill take it out if itll make you old guys realize im not lying
Anyone who made it through college without having a similar story clearly didn't drink enough.
"old guys" lol.
Anyone who has ANY experience with women knows the biggest whore on the planet won't let you go down on her on her period.
Stories like this make me miss tags the most
If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?
You forgot that she's a vampire.
You got an upvote for that, but her being an actual vampire is as likely as what he is expecting us old guys to believe.
good story but stop trying to type the story like you're stephen king or some shit. just write i we don't need all the nonsense
You need better control of suspense. "There Will Be Blood..." we knew it was going to be period sex. We thought maybe it would get past that, not have it be the bloody climax itself!
The best part of the story was that you wore the stained boxers to play basketball.
It happened. I'll vouch for it. And my game isn't week. In retrospect I'm fairly happy it didn't work out. But you cb'd me REAL hard like texting her the entire time and talking shit on me hard.
I'm definitely with you...but I can't just completely discount the idea that Gen Y vampires feel a sense of entitlement, even when they're on their period (or "throwing up" as they'd likely call it).
You heard her ask him to "return the favor"?
Ok I can't vouch for that. But the playing in the tourny in the same boxers I can
Where do you thunk the term "red wings" came from. Certainly not my cup of tea but it's been done. He was being such an asshat, I could see her saying that.
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