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this story doesn't involve any banging so set your expectations low now. Its going to be a 2nd tier story, but hopefully it tops whatever Tiffles is doing. I'm actually mostly telling this story in hopes that the other person involved posts on this board.
Junior year (1998), we go to this Halloween party at the apartment of some girls we knew. Of course we were lazy and didn't bother thinking about costumes until the day of Halloween, so we go to CVS across from Bentleys and scrounge up whatever is left. I buy an executioner "costume", which consists of a black spandex excecutioner mask, and a plastic axe. My buddies get equally worthless costumes, because shocker, they were basically sold out since it was Halloween day. One guy just punted and wore a white shirt and was a "dry erase board" and everyone wrote on it. I digress....
The apartment is in Greenbelt, down Greenbelt Road - can't remember the name of the apts because it was the first and last time i ever went there. But it was whatever, a decent drive from Berkeley where we lived (for the youngsters I think its Parkside - behind Town Hall.) I dont remember how we got there, but we show up and its your typical college Halloween party. I'm drinking jello shots and whatever else through my executioners mask. Wearing all black, and have the axe tied to my waist.
These girls had two pet kittens, which they had a in pen or whatever in one of the back rooms. One thing leads to another, and I am in this girls bedroom, playing with these kittens (no puns intended here). I dont really know what was going on, or if at some point i had switched from jello shots to motor oil, but it was like i was on ecstasy. I'm in the back just petting these kittens and letting them nip on my fingers, and tickling their tummies for like half an hour. My friends (guys and girls) keep coming in and asking
a. what are you doing?
b. are you alright?
c. would you like to come hang out be normal?
I was calling one of the cats "Mr. Skittles" (it was a girl)...introducing him/her to people and shit when they walked in. I don't remember the other one's name. It was the weirdest and gayest 30 minutes of my life. To the best of my knowledge I had not smoked any drugs, so I really dont have a proper excuse for my behavior. Eventually I left Mr Skittles and his/her buddy alone, and came back out and continued drinking. Don't remember what happened next, but at some point I decide I'm leaving. I had entered the stubborn drunk mode. No one can drive, but I'm leaving, so I'm walking. My roommate is pleading with me and trying to talk sense in to me. Its at least an hour walk when sober, probably 2 hours in my current state. Its not the nicest area for a stroll at 3am. But I am in a stupor so I guess I decided fuck it, i"m walking. F you guys (even though i wasn't actually mad at anyone...).
I stumble out and make my way down to Greenbelt Road. Its kind of a desolate stretch of Greenbelt Rd, or at least it was at the time, lot of undeveloped shit on both sides. I'm walking down the road, with my executioner mask still on and the ax in my belt, and I took a beer or two for the road.
After about 20 minutes (ok, I have no idea how long, could have been 5 minutes or 60 minutes), I'm coming up to a spot where I have to go under the 495 overpass. As I get within about 200 yards, I see there is a guy walking the opposite way, coming right at me. The way I can figure it we're pretty much going to meet up under the bridge. At this point I am scared shitless. There is literally nothiing good you can be up to at 3am on this road. First thing I do is chuck my beer in the weeds "in case its a cop."
Now I'm bugging out and thinking what am I going to do if this guy stabs me....do I have much money?...I don't want to give him my wallet, I need my drivers license to drive places. and my student ID for food and shit. There is NO ONE around, no cars driving by or anything. There aren't many street lights, and its pitch black under the underpass. Not sure what came over me, but I start running...towards the guy...FAST (well, fast for a drunk white kid). I have no idea how/why I even started running, but I'm running, at the guy and and I can't see anything but his silhouette, so I have no idea what he looks like, who he is, or even how big he is. But now HE starts running towards me. We are still on opposite sides of the underpass, about 200 yards apart. The adrenaline and goose bumps are off the chart, and I'm clocking Ben Johnson circa '88 olympics speed. I grab the (plastic) ax from my belt. I can't even hear anything at this point, its like I was in the zone. My thought is I've got to "create some kind of diversion." Right about then, I guess the guy had a similar though because out of the blue the guy starts screaming while he is running at me. Like a Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket type of war cry....and I start screaming too, purely on instinct / reaction.
At this point we are sprinting at each other and screaming and I'm trying to think what I'm going to do when we meet. Not really thinking straight, just trying figure if maybe I should jump if he comes at me and kick him, or maybe I tackle him, or what. It never occurs to me that I am running at this guy on a dark street in PG County at 3am screaming while WEARING AN EXECUTIONERS MASK and holding a hand ax that for all this guy knows is 100% real. So we get within 20 yards of each other and we are still screaming and just before we cross paths out of the blue I chuck the ax straight up in the air as high as it will go, and we pass each and I am still sprinting and still screaming and I can hear the guy still screaming as he runs the other way. I kept running for about 20 seconds until I got out from under the overpass and then I turned and looked back and I could see the other guy still booking the other way, but he had stopped screaming. I looked back like twice more and as far as I could tell he never stopped running.
At this point I come out of the "zone" I have no idea what is going on. Mr. Skittles is but a distant memory. I walk past a cop who is helping two cars who were in an accident, and think "I wonder if I should ask if they need help?" I finally get near Beltway Plaza Mall and feel "safer."
Out of the blue I hear someone yelling my name and its coming form a car and I dart out into traffic without looking, or knowing who it is, and jump in the backseat Its my roommate and another dude we knew and when I got in the car, I pulled a big poster sized "Glendenning for Governor" cardboard sign out from under my shirt. I have no idea where it came from, how long it was up my shirt, or why it was there. Got dropped off at Berkeley and passed out when my heart finally stopped pounding about an hour later.
This post has been edited 3 times, most recently by CharlieHorse 23 months ago
still LOLing at "get near Beltway Plaza mall and feel safer"
2sticks pictures were better. At least throw in some pictures of kittens and college chicks dressed up as naughty schoolgirls for halloween.
lol hilarious. i like how you threw the ax in the air you were so terrified. the one thing that could perhaps be used to help protect yourself and you're so damn scared you throw it in the air.
LOVE the map.
Nice. I had friends in those apartments and made a late night walk from there to Berwyn Hgts (Greenbelt side, behind the beer barn). It took me forever and I remember that area below the B/W parkway (not 495) feeling like a great place to get mugged.
Im ready for aa 5th of vodica to end my feels.
Great story, I've got tears in my eyes.
What happened to the kittens afterward?
OK this is my new favorite. Laughed out loud several times. And KITTENS!
sticks - it was a hollow plastic ax, probably weighed as much as a ball point pen. the only possibilty with the ax was one of us getting violated by it in the weeds.
It's been so long that I can't remember, but that's a long-ass walk you embarked on, right?
Somewhere, somehow, the other guy's story has been told a million times. As good as yours was, his is a hundred times better because the other guy was an executioner...
I just can't get over the image of the two of them screaming and running at each other....
google maps tells me 3.4 miles
i can't stop laughing after visualizing two grown men running at each other screaming while one is wearing an executioner's mask w/ an axe
I can't even remember which place was called Beltway Plaza. If it's the place I remember, I met a hot Parkdale chick there once. Dana...
I think there was a rip in the time-space continium and at that very moment you encountered yourself from an alternate universe. In that universe everything is exactly the same except the party with Mr. Skittles was in Parkside and nega-charliehorse had to walk back to Berwyn.
You may be onto something. Now I'm thinking of this story through a Time Traveler's Wife prism...
Best story yet and I don't think it's even that close.
the "jello shots or motor oil" line slayed me
Detroit Hustles Harder
A+. Would read again.
+1. I'm dying here.
classlessthug: I have too much on my plate to worry about the fact that my junk intimidates some needle D undergrad.
This would really work as a comedy skit. In my head, I'm picturing Kids in the Hall or the State pulling this off as some kind of pre-filmed bit.
Wouldn't be believable. As a real story though, it's priceless.
The writers drunk thought process described in this story hits so close to home. I <3 this story. Can't stop laughing!
Loved this story. That other guy must've been WAY more scared than you given your costume, right?
And for some reason, the talking to the cat/Glendening poster thing reminded me of the time I was the drunkest I'd ever been - I hadn't thought about this in years. It was probably also around 1998. I had stolen a life-sized John McEnroe Heineken display from god-knows-where, I guess a liquor store, and I was walking around a house party back in Berwyn Heights introducing him to everyone. I eventually woke up in the back of a pickup truck, and threw up bile for about a day straight. I wanted to die.
This post was edited by UMTerp 23 months ago
the thought of you not knowing what to do and saying fuck it and running is killing me. there's been many drunk sketchy walks home and never once have i thought to start sprinting and yelling when passing a stranger. i'm crying
Hands down the best story of the week. Charliehorse told a most bizarre and hilarious story in a way that made me feel like I was right there and understand the rationel behind the events that transpired. You need to post more, Charliehorse.
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